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Well, once again im appearing out of the blue and I half understand why/ half am upset with my lack of ability to keep up a regular schedule of activity here.
"the short version"
I was here last in october, dropped by after finally starting to balance life, (soon to be(?) wife) and a little boy who may not be mine but I loved him like he always was. life was finally making sense I was at peace.
fast forward a week, the woman I love(d) explained "I'll never be his father (the boys) and im just a man who changed some diapers"
a month out from that I had quietly packed up and set up to move back home to the east coast defeated and heart broken, having a silent heart wrenching goodbye with that wonder little child as she took a shower, after which I moved my bags out of the house and had a coworker who became my confidant, and honestly one of the few people left on this earth I'd give my life for, offer graciously to allow me sanctuary in her flat until my trip home the next day. that kind act and her understanding, having also left a loveless relationship where she thought shed spend her life with that person, we connected and understood each-other enough for her to get I was crying for help in silence.
4 days out from that mid-trek home to the east, my despair and desperation at being 28 and starting over in my fathers basement like some defeated broken man was shattered by the inspirational words of one true friend, and a half mad idea to put all I had left in my pockets into scrambling housing BACK in Hamilton where I (until moving out west) had lived. Fate favors the bold, and smiled upon me, my old job was still mine to have, I had left a void in my company they simply couldn't fill, whats more I was going back into the job as I had initially entered: the store owner was pregnant and was scrambling to find someone reliable and trustworthy with a level head about them to carry on as her steward. by that weeks end and the beginning of the final days of 2017, that feeling of despair and defeat...yeah I **** punched out that **** of an emotional drain like a shift card at 5pm! I found housing, got my job back, and my friends and coworkers alike welcomed my return, donating things like furniture and bedding and all sorts of essentials, knowing what I had went through and being the kind person they still remembered who would always go to bat for them, or assist them in any way that I could, they found it time to repay the kindness. I was overjoyed. I have not been so happy ever to spend Christmas alone in my own place. I had a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a job and while my family was let down they would be waiting another year to see me in person, they rallied at my success and determination and sent me letters kind messages and calls of all sorts to bolster my spirits.
As I was finally feeling myself again, and on the heels of good news about a raise and promotion, sadness struck at me once more. one of my aunts, my fathers eldest sister, a literal soul mate of mine since I was just a child, had passed, finally losing out to complications of a previously successful kidney transplant. She passed peacefully, but it brought me to tears knowing I had only just spoken to her, and that I may have had at least one more chance to go have tea or go sit and play chess with her if only I had moved home. her passing shook my father to his core as that was his big sister, and hearing my dad after he found out hit me harder than any death in my family since my grandmother nearly 7 years ago. Hes a strong, kind giving man, who would do anything for even a total stranger. His values in life have been instilled in me and seeing him both powerless to help one of the people who matter most in his life, and also have to finally realize "this is going to begin to happen soon" as he is the second youngest of his siblings and pushing 6o himself, was gut wrenching for me. I wanted to be home, but I knew deep down she'd have wanted me to push past this pain, and the pain before it. So for her sake, I kept moving forward, and called my dad for about 3 weeks straight each day to check in with him. I worked tirelessly, and between getting financially back to level ground, and wanting to become better than I ever have been at my job, I used that and my fathers pain as a means to push past mine and bury my sadness.
by the time I write this its approaching half a year since that vile inhuman thing decided to say the unforgivable to me and thus jar me awake to the realization that this time and the last, she was just using me and while there were bright points in our lives because of each other, we were simply never meant to be. That, and my mind's fantasy life. A "what if" utopia of us reuniting and living together, loving each other and having children, was as is described; a beautiful lie. What I have said here may paint me bitter and dead inside, and while there was a time that held true, it is not the case. I've made peace with my past and between good friends and focus on the positive in life, coupled with better self care mentally emotionally and physically, I am not just returning to my old happy self, I am "building" myself.
I'm pushing in my work life for more training, and to be less rash and more understanding. its going to make me a better manager and person I feel if i don't make snap judgement about people or things that occur as often. I'm taking on more responsibility as I have a renewed sense of pride in my work. It is admittedly just a job at a pizza place, but I want to walk away from it some day and be able to say "I did my best and achieved all I could while leaving it better for the next person".
In my day to day life im working at my personal health and putting effort into giving a damn about how I am see by the world. I was once that pasty hefty guy who had the wore out shirt and bags under his eyes who just had the air of "i exist but yet not live" now im going out, trying to hang out with people I know and those I don't but want to. I'm walking in my spare time and swimming again. I found a gym near by and they have a pool and I might even start using the machines when im back down to my "preferred" weight. I'm meditating and getting back into yoga too slowly.
And.... then there is my personal life..... this one the progress is slow, but I am keeping at it. the last time said person broke my heart I spent years attempting to fill that void with meaningless sex with people who hold even less meaning, and sheer avoidance of the acknowledgement that while this was not my fault I let myself become a victim by not shrugging it off Not this time, I keep telling myself. At first I was just deciding to focus on me and being happy with who I am again, and that still is priority, but I had half decided I wasn't going to involve myself with someone else until I wasn't going to contribute my baggage to theirs without first having a handle on mine. While that's still my stance, it may have changed. Of all the places I'd meet someone I'd want to get involved with work was never a place i'd have forseen it. the women there are either thots who are jail bait at best, or are homely elderly bitches, or just flat out have SO's and having been a victim of someone stepping out on me, I'd never do that to someone else. Fate it seems loves to throw me curve balls.
I recently was closing up shop when this trio of women entered, nothing usual her, cute kind of between tipsy and just hungry/ tired. Par for the course at 1am on a Thursday, but this ended up being different. (I found out later) due in no small part to my candor with these patrons and in particular the charm I apparently laid on them while we joked about their rather large order for 3 rather small women ( combined they might have weighed 350...and the tallest at best was 4'10" without the boots on.) one of them decided to drop her number off. Her name is Mandy, this funny sporty little Asian-Canadian chick who works as a clerk in a local police station. she caught me eyeing her badge, as I caught her eyeing my shorts. We went for coffee once or twice before we went out on a offical "date" and over the meal we laughed and I ended up finding out she finds my accent cute and she had me pegged for a nerd of some form as she spotted me humming to her friends J-pop song on her headphones and looking at her purse that had a chibi android 18 on it. She is totally fine with my damn near 14 years of collecting YGO, and arguably having watched more anime than her(shes been watching it since she was six, but lived in asia until she was 19 with her father while he was working abroad while her mother lived here). I've come to realize she is in far better shape than me, and while that's off putting to me, she said I remind her of a big mountain dog, gruff and ready to protect, but ultimately a big softie. Shes helping me get back in shape, and im helping her get better at her passion, gaming! also, since shes like legitimately 130 pounds soaking wet, and just generally "smol" its kind of cute when we argue, and she cant seem to stay mad at me, as I usually just bear hug her and pick her up off the floor and squeeze her ill she realizes she effectively stuck and gives up. With our work schedules as they are and both us just unsure of a lot in life right now, were both taking it slow. I have no idea if we will go any where past "this" but for once in life im not thinking "this is or isnt the one" im just realizing I like what we have right now, for how ever long it lasts.
As far as updates go from me this is about as "condensed" as the short version tends to get. I guess I'll end off on this by asking you all how your lives have been and more specifically give me a bit of detail how your last year has been. A lot can change in a year, this time last year I was recently engaged and planning to move to live with my beloved, this time the year prior I was just focused on paying the next bill and finding a place me and my best friends could call home and start a business together in. This year? I only know one thing for certain. I know not what my future holds, I will simply go where wind and tide take me, as my ancestors and spirit always has.
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