The masks I wear because I care

[BigStinkinApe]

Hurts realizing that all i have of my lover is the memories and albums of photos together...
She's changed so much and yet shes returnin' to old habits of self harm'n denial. Every move I've made since meeting constantly being put on trial.

I know it is her disease, her curse, yet I suffer the worst.
Living a lie, while trying not to cry. 
Called disorder of the borderline-type,personally been thinking that's just the psychiatrist bulls**t-hype.
I hold her hand through it all, the good and the bad. Making like her unpredictable mood ain't making me mad, but it is; that's life though, all tragic and sad.

I cling to her when she wants me while thinking scolding thoughts of her in my dreams where she haunts me.
She sees in others what I know isn't there, but as much as I plead to her she just doesn't care.
She wants it open free to see all, but of that's the case why do I catch her and that scumbag sneaking round in the mall?

Stuck between love and hate,  half wanting to die, yet I can't knowing the that'd make her cry.
I hold up this world and play up the facade. Workin' poor in this life whilst online they make me a mod, andmin and forum host in cascades.
The people's cries for help, can't help hear em all, no matter personal struggle, I always stand tall.
Handing out advice like a guru of life, little does she know l've contemplated the knife.
One slip of the blade, that'd be the end of the show.
Not the way you'd expect it to end for the BSA, you know?

After that this life would be so bleak, my grip on reality long gone before I seein' the tears on her cheek.
She'd cry for me but would I for her?
Thoughts of love and happiness so far gone it's a blur.
I want it back, but will it be true? Or is this one of those "its not me its you"s?

The day after I'm gone she'll get it for good, if she had have just believed me about being hers and understood. 
To leave her now is the right thing to do, but knowing I'm the right one for her and leaving makes this chapter in this life untrue.
I can't live with it, can't keep livin' this lie.
If I keep up much longer I spiritually die.

Half wanting to stay to try and make good.
Make amends, mend bridges and go meet the family, question is if I do it will she return the feeling amicably?
Duality of this life ain't makin' no sense, doesn't matter my choice if I leave without her presence.

Fast becoming the man irrelevant, did i leave my mark on he heart?
Or am i just the sick joke she strung along like a fart?!
Only one way to know, time to kill the lights and end the show.
Its drastic and risque, with out precedent.
The only alternative is going at her just to vent, that ain't right I know so time to hit the cement.

Running through the night, fightin' them tears.
With each breath i take alive come my fears.

The light in me sees her still with kindness and luster,  but the dark keeps bantering about how that bastard brings her the sadness that cuts her.
I worship her, just want to be the king to her queen, to bad this is reality and that **** is just mean. 

Rhymes almost done, its been a tall order.
Gettin' this all on paper keeps me from being and emotional hoarder.
This poems to my girl, the love of my life.
I only hope she gets that, in time to end all the strife.
But time's limited, that's the trick I'nt it, no guarantee of tomorrow.
Un-curable mind-games mean my continued sorrow.
My smile and stare is the shield and sword, they keep me from smashing this fleshy head through a board.
I love her, she knows it! I've told her, she's heard.
But that's the secret of it, isn't it, love is just a word.

[Fever]

This is good man. This is the reason why I write. Emotions literally leave your body into what you write.

If she really values you, she'll be back soon. If not, don't let her destroy you by hoping. I did that for Kayla and it only ruined me in the end. It's hard to see someone you were with for so long just leave but it's very possible that you weren't meant to be together. You might get something even better.

I've known Kayla for about 5 years. Although we were on and off, she's not the one for me. Not at all.